The Quiet Man

How do you make someone spank you?

How do you make them willing to do so without spurring them to up and leave you for your monstrous ways with your mother asking between
servings of Christmas pudding, "Whatever happened to…?"

How do you make them stop?

Such were the questions plaguing the mind of one young man as he went about what was, to all intents and purposes, a very normal Thursday.

Now our inquisitive one, we shall call him Evan, for that is his name and it would just confuse him otherwise, was not a foolish man. He was not an overly impetuous man. Indeed, he often wished he could be more so. But no, he set out his clothing each night and never ran out of milk and nearly always remembered to lower his voice before swearing at the telly.

But how to get someone to strip him of his sensible-for-business-meetings-and-unfortunate-occasions suit? Get them to bully him oh-so-achingly well into bending over a pair of sturdy thighs to take what Evan so desperately wanted? That was the thought that ran through his otherwise very sensible mind a good portion of the waking day, and met him rather often in his dreams. It was this thought that sent him stumbling off the kerb and into the gutter with that mad squawk of undignified surprise that such occasions inevitably bring forth from even the most well attired junior assistant.

This, he realised, was the moment when a strong sort with great stamina (or at least a good chiropractor) was supposed to swoop in and lift him from his misery and away from the curled-lipped jeer of that little prick in the school uniform. The crowds ought part as his hero strode down the street, metro buses be damned, and inquired after his, Evan Wingate's, wellbeing. Then, eschewing all placating gestures and reassurances, the insistent rescuer would usher Evan into a whole new life where all his questions would be answered.
A cloud of exhaust blew back in his face and the prick laughed with his mates.

Evan stood up and tried to pretend nothing was wrong at all, as he twitched his jacket into place and checked his phone and wondered, how do you get someone to spank you?