Hard Going

Wish I could rely on her to react.

I crave that thrill when she manhandles me, pushing me into our room, not roughly, but in a way that makes her seem bigger, or me smaller. I want to hold that moment. I learnt early that I never felt so desirable as when I feel vulnerable and god I can't think on that too often outside these moments without wondering what that says about me.

But it's such hard work to get her here. So tentative and I can't blame her, but how to get her to trust in me, my response?

Maybe I want too much.

But when we do get here, when I roll my hips hard enough that she is compelled to drop her arm over my twisting body and hold me still – well, I am holding me still, but near enough – then it approaches something so right.

"You can do it harder, you know? I can take it."

And I hold my breath and hope she will follow through with enough energy that I can let myself believe she enjoys this, too.

So I kick my leg and wait for it, that growl, that purr, I need.

"Behave."